Changing Domain Soon

I’ve decided that I’m going back to a free blog with no ads. So, my domain is changing back to: morganahorn.wordpress.com

I’m not really happy with my blog anyway. I never really knew what I wanted to do with it and I never know what to say. I’m just gonna keep it simple. Share art and probably music too.

I haven’t been able to do as much art as I’d like but I have managed to play around some on Corel Painter which is what these drawings below are.

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I’m hoping I can get into the groove of art blogging again.

Tabitha’s Secret and A Drippy Inky Butterfly

Anyone know Tabitha’s Secret? Before they were Matchbox 20. I wanted to hear the song Just Plain Tired cuz that’s what I am lol. I’m still managing to make some art though.

And a good walk for Sunny Bunny.

I love the sound at the beginning of the song. And at 2:22. And the way he sings at 3:30.

Los Retros and Flaming Fruit

I’ve been liking this group Los Retros. I just keep replaying Someone to Spend Time With.

Tattoo inspired cherries and some flaming fruit.

Oh, and this is the song that led me to finding Los Retros. Lil Rob – Sunday Night.

Pen Drawing Skulls & Cute Ghosts to Ghostemane

Fleischer Studios

I’ve been hooked on these two Ghostemane songs lately, Mercury and John Dee.

A lot of his songs have been put to these old Fleischer cartoons. They fit so perfectly with his music. I really like the artwork of the skeletons playing poker and it made me wanna draw some skulls and ghosts.

I like that green skull balloon . . . he looks like he’s smilin’ real big for the camera.

Someone told me to listen to a Lil Darkie song, which was pretty alright and I liked the video that goes with it. But that’s how I came across Ghostemane. Who else can’t get enough of that beat?

Zentangle Practice and Movies

They’re not all zentangles but that doesn’t matter.

I like drawing stuff in little squares. Usually, I don’t like being boxed in, but these provide a nice small space to practice in or to sketch out ideas.

Who else is a Shameless fan?? I got the Showtime free trial so I didn’t have to wait for it to show up on Netflix. Well, I missed the cancel deadline by an hour, so I’m paying for a month But YAY they offered me another 30 days free after that.

So, I figured I’d watch some movies. And I love having movies on in the background while drawing.

Who else misses going to Hastings and looking around? I loved it. And I feel like I watched more movies back when I had to go rent them or buy them.

Quick movie review . . .

Becky – This has Kevin James playing a different type of character than I’m used to. It was ok. Kind of a B movie Home Alone story, cuz she creates traps and goes after the bad guys. I still have 25 minutes left. Doubt I’ll find out how it ends lol.

Dead Water – It’s alright, has Casper Van Dien. Another one with 25 minutes left. I don’t actually care how it ends, but I drew a little boat while watching it.

The Machinest – OMG this movie disturbed me as soon as I saw Christian Bale. He didn’t look like himself. He was a skeleton. I have 37 minutes left. I sorta wanna finish it but what’s the point? I’ve been disturbed enough lol.

Cold Brook – I picked it because it has Kim Coates from Sons of Anarchy and a guy who was on Prison Break. The reviews were positive but I got bored fast. 82 minutes left.

Don Jon – I didn’t actually draw during this one. It wasn’t too bad. And the ending wasn’t disappointing.

I guess it’s a good excuse to watch a bunch of movies but I think they help to inspire ideas. Especially, when you do more than just watch it. Pay attention to the lighting, the directing, and all the other parts of it.

So, what are your favorite movies to watch while you draw?

A Cubist/Tenebrist Heart?

I was going for a tenebrist feel for this drawing. The word comes from the Italian tenebroso which means dark, gloomy, and mysterious. A lot of times we think love has to be all warm and fuzzy…rainbows and puppies. But Nazareth, The Everly Brothers, and Roy Orbison were right…love hurts.

I was trying to show the surfaces of the gem as well as make the heart look cracked and broken.

And I end up with Cubism lol.

I’ve never been much of a Cubism fan and I sure didn’t expect it, but I like how it’s turning out.

Inktense Drawing Practice

Dripping Mushrooms

Space Cupcake

A Mushroom

I think I’m done with the dripping mushrooms but the other two still need some work.

I watched a 30 minute lecture video about Caravaggio that was very interesting. I forget how much I like his artwork until I take the time to look at his stuff again.

I decided that I’d like to do a small drawing using the tenebrism technique. Caravaggio is given credit for inventing this style where the background is black, which helps to illuminate the image and make it stand out.

St Jerome Writing, Caravaggio. Example of Tenebrism

I’m not sure what I want to draw though. Something simple that I can get done pretty quickly…and I want to use my Inktense pencils. So, if anyone has any suggestions on something I could draw, let me know in the comments.

Back to Art Again

I’ve decided to go ahead and end the GoFundMe for my grandma. It’s just not God’s will for us. I’m waiting to make sure the person who donated gets her refund and then I’ll delete it. Since I was using my blog to get the link out there, I’m going to quit doing that and let my blog go back to being about art again.

We’re trying to get set up with another hospice. So far, it seems like they’ve heard us about the severity of her handicap. The woman even finished my mom’s sentences which makes me think she was understanding our struggle and concerns for my grandma’s end of life needs.

They also have an office here in town. We knew nothing when this whole thing started and just went with the most popular option for our area. But now we are more familiar with how some of this works. And this hospice is smaller and family owned. I’m hoping they will be a better fit for us.

To anyone who has been praying, I want to thank you. And hopefully I can find more time and energy to devote to making artwork. That’s actually something me and my grandma share. Through her life she took photos. She took painting classes. She drew and wrote poems. As long as she’s not suffering, I’ll be able to relax.

She’s always supported me and my art so I know that it’ll make her happy to know that I’m able to focus on it.

I actually found a Yale art lecture series that I’d like to watch. I was able to watch half of the first lecture and it was so interesting. Maybe you’ll find it interesting too. It’s so important to study art because it can inspire us and make us better artists. It’s good for non artists too 😃

Hospice Kicked Us Out

Thank God hospice kicked us out. At least the doctor said she’d still provide pain medicine. Apparently, my grandma was accepted into hospice because of dementia. Last I checked, hospice accepts you when you have 6 months or less to live. Dementia is not necessarily terminal in under 6 months. It’s called the LONG GOODBYE. You can live with it for a long time.

And when they refer to her handicap . . . they use air quotes . . . They say, “What ‘handicap’?”

No, it’s not “handicap.” It exists. She was born with it. Had it for 83 years. Walks with a limp and uses canes. And for an 83 year old, if it is left untreated as it was when she was in the medical “CARE” it becomes terminal.

It breaks down her digestive system. It causes her such intense pain. And all we asked was that they reduce her suffering caused by her handicap. Not to let us run out of medicine. Which they did over and over again. It didn’t matter how much we called or asked.

The aid who changed her diaper saw the pain. She was heartbroken. The weekend aid who isn’t apart of hospice noticed. She was crying. She couldn’t let it go. So, I don’t understand hospice.

I’m flabbergasted.

Feb. 18 this woman who was walking and aware, only went to the hospital to evacuate freezing temperatures. And she was given a death sentence by this corrupt organization. They had their records wrong from the very beginning. She never fell. They thought her “handicap” was because she had fallen. And dementia became the ONLY thing they could see. They ignored the one and only reason she is now bed ridden. The reason we called hospice.

She barely even has dementia. She has all her long term memories. She wasn’t leaving her keys in the fridge. Or forgetting how to dress. Or anything like that. She couldn’t keep track of the days so well. She actually kept track better than she gave herself credit for.

Her panic disorder in addition to being in her 80’s would cause her to forget short term things. But how is that dementia? It looks more like mental decline due to aging and stress and confusion caused by her panic disorder. It’s not that hard to understand. Well, it is pretty complicated. She probably does have dementia.

But that shouldn’t mean her lifelong handicap just vanishes.

I struggle to stay quiet during injustice. Especially, when my family member is being harmed. And after being yelled at so many times by hospice nurses, I finally started yelling back and calling them out on their injustices. And I promised my mom when they showed up today, I’d stay quiet and work on my drawing. And I did. Until she came and asked my opinion. And then I went off on them. It’s injustice. It’s inhumane.

But, I did at least lay down another layer of Inktense on this mushroom piece.

It’s my life It’s now or never But I ain’t gonna live forever

People have always said that I don’t know what hard is. I’ve had a few hard things happen in my life, but y’know what . . . those people were right. I have always lived a very pampered lifestyle. And I don’t know what a hard life actually is. I have a sunny California, Full House, Brady Bunch existence.

Until now. Since 2009, I have taken on more responsibility with my grandma. Everything was always on my mom because there was nobody else there to help. Her brother didn’t help. He ran away because he just couldn’t handle it. He was a mechanic but he couldn’t even help her with her car. It’s broke down. And my mom was just drowning in it. She needed help. It’s too much for one person.

And her other grandchildren aren’t around.

Her grandson, who she always speaks so highly of, hasn’t called her. He hasn’t sent a card. He doesn’t help her with hard labor that men are supposed to do. He just doesn’t do the grandson things for her. She hasn’t seen or heard from him in so long she thinks he’s dead.

So, after 12 years of helping this woman to walk. To have positive thinking. To get her groceries. To clean her house. To do everything.

It’s ruined my life.

That’s why my artwork has suffered for the last decade. I try to work on my art, but I’m just trudging along. My Internet is here at my grandmas because it’s not available where I live. I decided to make it work though, so I can be here to help her and do my work. But her needs always came first. I’d sit down and get started working and BOOM. There she is yelling very sternly, “Morgana!! Do you have a minute?!”

That minute just becomes the whole visit and I run home stressed out of my mind. And then I’d just do it all over again.

I love to help people. Especially my own family because I believe family should stick together. Help each other and be there for each other. But now that she can’t even walk and her digestive system has shut down. And she’s so crazy. Everyday, it’s non stop crazy. And she’s killing me. My health is suffering. My well being is suffering.

I now understand what hard is.

I’m so exhausted. My poor dog threw up yesterday. My mom goes home to sleep every night, and I stay here with my grandma. And I like to have Sunny with me, but it’s just gotten too hard on her. I can’t do that to my dog anymore.

It’s just non stop abuse from her. She screams and yells around the clock. I don’t understand why my life isn’t important. Why is her 83 year old life as a bed ridden elderly person who has dementia, and who has a lifetime handicap that causes her 24/7 pain. Which Hospice outright REFUSES to acknowledge her handicap.

“WHAT HANDICAP?!” They yell.

We reply, “Uuh, the obvious one…”

Come on. She has one leg that’s shorter than the other. Her pelvis is twisted and tilted. How can you miss it?!?! The mean nurse even changed her diaper and my grandma was scared and in pain. But you know what they do? They ignore it. They yell at us. They get mad at the drop of a hat. They say they didn’t hear her say she’s in pain. You may not believe me. But it is happening. For months now, we have been abused by these people.

I cannot understand it. I can’t even get donations on her stupid GoFundMe.

None of my friends have shared it or even been that concerned for me. One friend offered to share on FB and I let him. That day I had a ton of views and a few emails. One email was my cousin yelling at me and accusing me of things. But did she offer to help? Did she share the link? Did she donate? Did she come visit her aunt and her grandma and offer love and support?

No, she didn’t. She just attacked me.

My grandma’s dear friend, who gives me so much anxiety said she’d share the link. And she knows a guy who raised money before. She didn’t share it though. Just days before the winter storm, she was demanding we give her grandma’s insurance card, credit card, and demanded my mom stay away while she takes her to the doctor.

WHAT?! I don’t know who she thinks she is, but her interference has caused me to have nightmares. But does she help? Did she use her resources to help her dear friend who she says she loves? No.

Another friend, known him since we were 12, said he’d share the link. So I sent it to him, but he hasn’t replied and I don’t see traffic on my blog or the GoFundMe. So, I guess he didn’t share it and I’m not gonna beg. He hasn’t been a true friend to me for at least 5 years anyway. So, I don’t expect him to be there for me.

I even sent the link to church people. I’ve known these people for a long time, and we only ever hung out during church events. So, where are they? Why haven’t they sent the link? Or donated a small amount? Or just called? Maybe they’re praying.

I just don’t matter. She matters more than two college educated women who have potential for greatness.

She matters more than my innocent dog who just wants to have the good life she’s accustomed to. My god daughter doesn’t understand why I NEVER come over. I tried to explain it, but she’s 8 and she knows that I will show up because I always do. And this time I’m not showing up. So, I guess she doesn’t matter either. She took it ok the first 4 times she asked. But the last time she called, her voice let me know she’s mad and hurt.

Right this minute my grandma is yelling, “Please kill me God. Please! Kill me God.” And she just lays there screaming and yelling. So, I have been able to draw a little bit. And I’ve been working on my photography some. I’m running out of steam though.

But, it’s just not important.

My life is officially over. I just take care of a crazy person who can’t walk. She can’t digest food properly. She’s in pain. She’s begs her only granddaughter to kill her. The stress is destroying me as each month goes by. Hospice wont show compassion and work with us. Her weekend aid had compassion. She was crying yesterday. She was off the clock and stood there crying and wondering why Hospice isn’t helping. If only Hospice would show the compassion that aid showed.

I read this article about this man who actually had help, guidance, and compassion from Hospice. Why can’t we have that?

That’s my life. Great. Now I can’t get this song out of my head. I don’t even like it that much lol.

There’s the art I did that doesn’t matter. The guy yelling like a Nazi is one of the nurses. He yelled at me. He’s the one who said, “What handicap?” Yeaaa, he is one of the people who is traumatizing me.

The cupcake and mushrooms aren’t done. I’ve just put a few layers of Inktense pencils.

And the top three pictures are of Sunny listening to my grandma yelling. The second picture is of Sunny’s throw up. And the third picture is my grandma’s leg. You see how theres no muscle? That’s the damage that was done by the nursing home who neglected her and put us in our current situation. At least I have lots of terrible stuff to document for some art series.