I’ve decided to go ahead and end the GoFundMe for my grandma. It’s just not God’s will for us. I’m waiting to make sure the person who donated gets her refund and then I’ll delete it. Since I was using my blog to get the link out there, I’m going to quit doing that and let my blog go back to being about art again.
We’re trying to get set up with another hospice. So far, it seems like they’ve heard us about the severity of her handicap. The woman even finished my mom’s sentences which makes me think she was understanding our struggle and concerns for my grandma’s end of life needs.
They also have an office here in town. We knew nothing when this whole thing started and just went with the most popular option for our area. But now we are more familiar with how some of this works. And this hospice is smaller and family owned. I’m hoping they will be a better fit for us.
To anyone who has been praying, I want to thank you. And hopefully I can find more time and energy to devote to making artwork. That’s actually something me and my grandma share. Through her life she took photos. She took painting classes. She drew and wrote poems. As long as she’s not suffering, I’ll be able to relax.
She’s always supported me and my art so I know that it’ll make her happy to know that I’m able to focus on it.
I actually found a Yale art lecture series that I’d like to watch. I was able to watch half of the first lecture and it was so interesting. Maybe you’ll find it interesting too. It’s so important to study art because it can inspire us and make us better artists. It’s good for non artists too 😃
Ok, as I sit here writing this I’m thinking that I’m just a big ‘ole baby. I want to come up with some well written and moving prose about how my situation is an unbearable nightmare and I can’t believe that God would ever treat my family this way.
But how selfish can I be? I’m not homeless. I’m not hungry. I do live without some things that I need but for the most part I live in abundance.
I’m so sorry that I panicked and just jumped online to beg for help. I’ve seen so many people raise money for a never ending amount of needs around the world, so I thought that’s how God wanted to provide for us. And I’m not one to ask for help. I hate asking for help. But I saw my grandma suffering and I just lost my mind and resorted to exploitation.
I’ve been so proud of my grandma through all of this though. I’m usually so hard on her looking like some mean bully expecting her to do things for herself instead of coddling her. But this is why. At least she was still walking and she could use the bathroom on her own. She could prepare her own food and do the things she wanted to do. But thanks to the harm done while in the care of the medical community, she is now trapped.
But again, I’m proud of my grandma. Through this whole experience she has continued to have faith in God. She keeps saying that we need to trust God…that God is in charge…that he’s our boss. And she’s right. Even when I complain and tell my boyfriend that God hates us, I know that’s not true. I know God loves us and He’s taking care of us even during such a dark time.
I think it’s even more important to trust God during the hard times.
When I’m not bad mouthing Him, I’m saying the same things. I trust God and I’ll just accept His will no matter how bad it is. He’s the same God who allows free American’s to be executed in the streets for petty crimes (or no crime at all) by our police. He’s the same God who allows people to get sick from diseases and covid everyday. The same God who allows people to be so desperate to escape their situation that they will cross the border in dangerous ways to find any kind of refuge they can.
That’s what life is like on our planet ever since Adam and Eve disobeyed God and we’ve had to suffer and toil.
This whole situation is especially hard to deal with since I live in the moment. And these moments I’m living right now are some of the worst moments of my life. But I feel so happy and blessed to be able to show my grandma love during this time. She knows she has family she can trust who love her. And love never fails. It always perseveres.
If anyone reading this is also going through a nightmare, I hope that my experience can provide some kind of encouragement to help you get through it a little easier.
First off, I’d like to thank my first donator. I hope you don’t mind me using your name, but Crystal Fuller got the ball rolling. Thank you so much for your kindness. I can’t tell you how blessed I feel by your generosity.
I also want to thank the people who have sent me messages through Go Fund Me. I appreciate your concern and prayers. And I’d like to alleviate any misunderstandings of why we can’t take advantage of the free Hospice facilities. We are using the Hospice of East Texas out of Tyler. She has been accepted into Hospice At-Home Care with them. It’s not very convenient because it takes over an hour for the employees to get to her home but we were told they’re the best.
A Little Background Info
In 1988 before my grandpa died from asbestos poisoning, he made sure that his wife would be taken care of for the rest of her life. It’s not much, especially since he died in the 20th century when the cost of living was so much less expensive than it is today. But it was enough to pay her bills until she dies, which are low. There’s also enough to cover some medical needs and her burial.
He didn’t prepare for this though. He never would have imagined that her Medicare insurance for the elderly wouldn’t be enough to take care of her elderly medical needs. We all know how complicated insurance is these days. And we all know how little it actually covers.
Why Do We Need Donations?
I want you to understand what you’re donating for. My grandma does not qualify for Medicaid. She’s not rich. But the preparations her husband made to take care of her after he died, stop her from being able to qualify.
We’ve had three social workers exhaust their options.
My mom has researched her butt off and ran into the same obstacles as the social workers.
We even spoke to a lawyer who also told us there’s nothing we can do to qualify.
She’s stuck in a Catch 22. Not poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, and not rich enough to pay for the facility. Without Medicaid, we just cannot afford the cost of a facility. In some locations the prices are a little lower and we wouldn’t be able to afford those lower prices either. In our area, we are looking at about $60,000 a year or more. I’m not sure how long she needs, but I’m guessing under 6 months.
What does Hospice Provide for Us?
A nurse visits once a week.
An aid visits only during the week once a day to clean her including the cleaning supplies.
They provide medicine.
We also get 5 days of respite care each month. My grandma gets transported to a nursing home, so that the family can get 5 days of rest. That’s what her insurance covers.
Paying out of Pocket
Since Hospice doesn’t send an aid out on weekends, we have to pay for that out of pocket. Just to give you an idea. We can only afford one hour for each day. At first, we were going to get 4 hours but we just can’t afford it. Maybe once or twice. But if we do that every single weekend we’re going to run out of money fast. So, we do the bare minimum.
If we pay for someone to give her pain and dementia medicine, we can’t even afford one time. Because she get’s it daily more than once and it’s over $100 for each time. So, that’s just not an option. It’s so important for her to be administered these drugs in a facility. We work hard to do it right, but we are not a substitute for trained professionals.
She also does not allow us to clean her up. She has incontinence and that is getting worse because it’s directly damaged by her handicap. Her handicap is located in her pelvis and legs and now her spine because the scoliosis is starting to spread.
Family as Caregivers
Her family is just me and my mom. The picture below was a gift my grandpa gave to his wife and daughter – a trip to Hawaii because she always wanted to go there. And they met Don Ho and had dinner together.
My grandma’s family is all gone . . . all of her siblings have died, except for one. But he’s elderly, out of town, and not available to help. She lost her younger sister who stayed in touch with her all the time through phone calls, mail, and she came to visit regularly.
She died the same year my grandma’s son died which was almost two years ago. Everyone knows how hard it can be for a parent when their child dies before them. And his children are dealing with his death and other health problems that just make it impossible for them to add more to their burden.
So basically our lives have stopped. We are doing nothing but caring for my grandma 24/7. I’ve abandoned my home. My work. My dad. My boyfriend. My friends. My godchildren. My own health and well – being.
My poor dog Sunny has been uprooted from her happy and stress free life in the country to being in town with loud town noises. She feels our stress and while she makes a wonderful therapy dog for us and for my grandma, it’s just taken a toll on her. And her breed is prone to getting a hole in the heart when they get older. The vet told us 3 years ago, because it showed up. I do my best to pray over her daily and always make sure she gets her walks and eats healthy.
I want her to live a long healthy life. But we are struggling to give her that extra love and care right now.
What Can You Do?
Share the link with everyone you can think of.
Donate what you can. $1, $5, $20. Whatever you can afford and feel comfortable with. Every little bit counts and adds up.
Pray. If you can’t donate, I understand. But we always appreciate prayer.
I hope that helps everyone know why we can’t afford the Hospice care in a facility. Thank you for reading, sharing, donating, and praying. Sometimes we have to help each other out in this world where so many people are struggling.
For a few weeks YouTube has been suggesting this Willie and Lukas Nelson cover so persistently I finally gave it a listen. I kept scrolling past it cuz I just wasn’t in a Willie mood but I’m really glad I finally got so curious that I had to click on it.
Willie and his son harmonize so well together. I loved the scenes of them singing together in the bar. I couldn’t help but think of my own Dad, who I’m blessed to know. Then I started thinking of everyone else in my life that I feel so blessed to know.
Then these lyrics stood out reminding me of the ones I miss who unfortunately aren’t in my life anymore . . . or at least for a short time I hope.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh if I didn’t, I’m a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
Life seems long but we really have such a short time with the people we love to enjoy the world God has given us. I think it’s important that we live in the moment and really enjoy our time with our loved ones. Don’t waste time fighting about silly stuff. Just be there for each other in the good times and bad times, cuz Love Never Fails.
Check out this behind the scenes video of them talking about their family being together while working on this beautiful song.
This song was actually written by Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. Here they are performing at Austin City Limits in 2009. Listen for the violin . . . it’s so pretty and complements his voice nicely.
Both versions are touching and beautiful so I hope you check them out. Don’t just scroll past them like me . . . the Internet might not choose to be as pushy with you on this particular song.